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i've gotten seriously far from where i need to be.
i remember in these quiet moments; but out there, where i am seen, i forget.
i forget that i am in this for you.
for those who need God through me.
granted, they know i'm different, but my mouth is not.
they are amazed at what i've never done.
they don't look down on me, or make fun.
they are good friends.
but i'm just not different enough.
i wish you were here.
you pushed me and you didn't even know it.
maybe you did.
and i miss that.
you helped me to be better in a world where i so easily give in.
i can't wait to see you.
i'm trying.
keep praying.
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why is it that when we feel we have found something, someone, anything perfect, and we have it long enough to know that there is nothing better out there, that we can't do without it? the perfect drink. perfect car. perfect ice cream. perfect girl.
why is it when we walk away, all we do is think about that thing, or person, or idea? why is it that we not only think, but we talk about it, obsess about it, complain to other about how we no longer have it?
i've noticed that i have caught myself thinking these things as of late. how i can't stand not driving my truck when someone else wants me to ride with them. how i'd rather have good ol' fashion american food, than mexican. how nothing compares to a good mountain dew. how you were the best thing that ever happened to me, and it isn't meant to be.
how come i notice all these trivial things, useless things, but when i think about how i have a perfect God, suddenly this idea is thrown right out the window and i can so easily walk away from Him for days, weeks, or months at a time and not feel as though i am missing out.
i feel that way right now. i've let this slide for weeks, and i don't know where i am going.
i know i don't want to be here. i don't want you. i don't want her. i don't want to be left out. i don't want to look like the rest of you. i don't want to lie to you anymore, but being honest about how i feel just makes this more unbearable.
we aren't as best as you think... either that or it's because i've had the best, that you couldn't possibly understand how little we actually have in comparison. you don't understand friendship to it's highest levels. you don't understand compromise. you don't understand sacrifice. you don't understand truth, honesty, prayer, and accountability - that's sad. but ignorance is bliss, and for once i'm not the ignorant one.
God, i don't want to be here much longer and nothing but Your will can change that. this is not my place. this is not my friends. this is not my lifestyle. i'll do the best i can do make what You want it to be for me right now, but ...
i want out.
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every day that i live in texas is a reminder of how much greater every other state is... including florida.
i need out.
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everything that could have gone wrong, did.
15 hour day - 4 hours of sleep
4 hour day - 7 hours of sleep
18 hour day - 1 hour of sleep
a lot of rain, a leaking chlorine bottle, a lot of mud, no sleep, disgruntled lazy people, more rain, more mud
two stuck vehicles, blown out lights, rust out the waahzoo, empty acetylene and oxygen bottles , and more rain
and mud. geeze
but when it comes down to it, the dollar is all i see at the end of a crappy work weekend.
thank God no one was killed in the first 15 minutes of the weekend.
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http://www.xr-underground.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3104
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